Before reading further, I would like to put a disclaimer that the following contains instances of suicidal thoughts in case you are triggered by such events. This blog is not a cry for help or attention. Rather, it is a new and deeply vulnerable side of my life that I only hope and pray will help someone else walking through similar struggles.
Confession: I started writing this blog a few months ago. Even as I type now, I am hesitant to push “publish” because these words not only relay some of the most difficult moments I’ve ever been through, but the feelings are fresh every time I remember. I know the enemy wants me to feel shame, but even more than that, I know there is no such thing as feeling ashamed as a daughter or son of God.
I would like to preface it all by saying, God is so faithful. When it felt like I couldn’t get my head above water, His hand caught mine and He never let go. And I pray this part of my story will shine a glimmer of hope into your own…
Darkness surrounded me. Slowly spiraling into an abyss of hopelessness and waters of loneliness, the murky water I found myself in filled with voices telling me to end it all. And I thought that sounded like a perfectly logical final chapter to the false story running through my mind that day.
Afterall, wouldn’t that be easier? Wouldn’t it be easier to quit and not feel anything at all rather than feeling everything that was wrong all at once?
To say I was overwhelmed would be a severe understatement, and the lying voices and images only grew louder and clearer.
See those knives, those would do the job. That bottle of Ibuprofen? It’ll do the trick. The razor you’ve never thought twice about? The pain could go away in an instant. Driving? Just skirt off the road and bad feelings gone.
These voices were screaming at me without interruption for what felt like weeks when only a day had passed. And I went to sleep fearful of the thoughts I would wake up to the next day.
My body drained of all energy and getting out of bed was a feat. Each step I took carried ten extra and unwelcome pounds with it, making each task in front of me twenty times harder.
Depression is unpredictable. It is subtle. It is unkind. It pulls the rug out from under you. It stares at insecurities and fears. And the warning signs are so faint, your eyes must be peeled to notice them.
Prior to these very long days that were like a heavy blur, I had never experienced this kind of hopelessness.
I’ve gone through spouts of seasonal and situational depression and had anxiety about minor things, but this was different.
I felt attacked out of nowhere by thoughts so strong that no amount of truth could resist them. And boy did I try to resist with everything inside me.
The holidays are a couple months behind us, but I know for many it was a time of sadness, loneliness, and deep waters of despair. Add to that emotions and circumstances that were already less than perfect and it’s not such a wonderful time of year. So, if no one has told you yet today or ever, from my worn heart to yours: You are loved. You are not alone in your thoughts or feelings. You aren’t crazy. There is still hope. And this dark valley is not the end. If you’re desperate for light, don’t give up on finding it. The light will break through eventually.
Those who know me know I love God’s Word and I love sharing it, especially through words I write because I believe without a doubt the truth of the Bible is real, relevant, full of peace, hope & comfort, and a powerful way to connect to Jesus. It’s a steady, absolute truth in a world that is confusing and full of uncertainty.
But, depression’s pull is strong. And sometimes, no matter how hard we try to pull ourselves up by saying what is true, praying, and crying out, the darkness can pull us further down into negative thinking. I think the most heartbreaking thing about all of this was I felt like God was so far away even though I knew He was right beside me.
Sometimes feelings and truth don’t agree.
I cried, prayed, worshipped, cried some more, fell into the arms of family members, and wondered: God, are you really there? Is your Word really that powerful? What have I done to deserve these thoughts?
It’s okay to doubt. It’s even okay to doubt God. Genuine faith is born through questions asked on the road of suffering. Just read any book of the Bible, and this theme sticks out like a flower in a field of weeds.
But just because I was asking these questions didn’t mean God wasn’t in the crashing waves with me, fighting this unprecedented battle in more ways than I could see.
In those hard yet sobering days, I tried to recite the truth and I begged God to take all the pain away, and when He didn’t, my faith started to teeter. I kept thinking, how could a God who loves me unconditionally allow me and my thoughts to go this far? If He is actually who He says He is, why won’t He pull me out of this mirky water?
God’s ways are sometimes mysterious, but they are so much higher than mine. And I thank Him for that! He didn’t let me drown. You see, when a boat is caught in the middle of a storm, the captain doesn’t jump overboard. Rather, he fights to the very end of that storm for the crew and passengers because his job is to bring them safely to shore.
But that doesn’t mean the fight is painless or short-lived. No, it is most often hard, long, and drains the energy and courage out of every person involved.
Like the passengers on a boat, all I can do it trust the good intentions of my Heavenly Captain, because not only does He have my best interest at heart, but unlike even the most experienced captain here on Earth, God has perfect knowledge of the wind and waves I’m facing from beginning to end. And He is in it with me, all the way until it passes.
And that is the truth: it will pass. Even if it doesn’t feel like it ever will blow over, the sun will shine again.
These past few months have been some of the most eye-opening days of my life. Through therapy and the guidance of God’s Word and Spirit, I have learned so much more about myself physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
As I look back, I can truly say I am thankful. I am thankful that God uses suffering to lead His children onto better and more life-giving paths. No, it’s not easy, but honestly, it is worth it.
This life is not about arriving at a destination where all our T’s are crossed and our I’s dotted. Cliché as it sounds, it is a journey of learning, failing, growing, falling, and getting back up again. All while our Maker brings us safely to shore.
Hebrews 6:19-20 says:
“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.”
Because Jesus entered the inner sanctuary, or in other words, took the punishment for our sins in full by nailing them to the Cross with His life – something no other high priest in history could accomplish – we now have access to an anchor for our souls that will never give way to any type of storm threatening to destroy us.
I’m still recovering, changing, and will be forever learning, but my Anchor? He’s never moved an inch.
He is faithful to steer the wheel when my hands slip. He is faithful to tell me hard things my heart needs to hear. He is gracious to let me be still when I’m frozen in fear. He is gracious to comfort me like no one else can because He has literally been through it, too. He is beyond good to allow the ones he died for to suffer along with Him, because He knows it will produce a greater glory that is incomparable to the pain. I could go on and on about how good He has been to me through this season, but I’ll end with this:
If you’re in any kind of deep pain, no matter how big or small or embarrassing or shameful it feels, please reach out to someone for help. What the enemy means for evil in your life – because he is out to keep us from God’s great plans for our lives – God means for good. I echo the words of Joseph in Genesis 50:20:
“As for you [the enemy], you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.”
No matter how much you don’t believe it, your life has meaning, worth, and purpose beyond what you can see and feel. This world needs your light and your love.
I am living proof He can turn a broken vessel into a continual redemptive reflection of His love and hope. And so are you.
While the enemy may take depression and try to use it as a voice of false truths and realities – because he knows our lives are meant for heavenly purposes beyond our imagination – the King of Heaven gives us a different narrative to recite over and over again that will never lose its permanence: We are not alone, and there is so much more good ahead than any kind of heartache we leave behind. Because the greatest good is receiving more of God Himself around every heartbreaking bend.
Don’t give up hope. We are all in this together.
Much love,
Dee
“Three times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time He said, ‘My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:9-10, NLT
P.S. To my family and friends who have held me up physically, emotionally, and spiritually: I love you all deeply and I wouldn’t be here without your love and support carrying me every step of this journey ❤
For the Times In-Between 